Now, this is just me thinking out loud…or to myself rather. Wondering why we are the way we are. In what exact moment in time did we become this person that we see in the mirror every day because it seems we never truly know or can pinpoint that exact moment in time. Why is that?
I’ve reached a point in life where I realize that I’ve changed. A lot. I’m in the midst of an evolution but not quite fully there and it makes me think when a caterpillar is in its cocoon, is it aware that it’s changing? Can it feel the change taking place? I mean, I’m sure inside it knows what’s about to transpire once it’s in the cocoon and the events thereafter but is it aware?
Do we actually feel ourselves changing? Because it seems as if we don’t. Now, I’m not talking about physical changes but changes in character. It seems we don’t realize it until after the fact. You’ll sit down one day and think about the person you were a year ago and look in the mirror only to realize this person- this reflection is someone completely different.
Five years ago, I was a catholic. A full-fledged believer. I wasn’t too fond of makeup. I was a hopeless romantic. Super tomboy. I didn’t know what it meant to act girly. I was painfully insecure.
Three years ago, mascara was my best friend. I began doubting my religious beliefs and stepping away from the foundation I was born on. I wasn’t so romantic. I was sad. I was alone. In my head, my purpose in life then was to create cartoons.
A year ago, I was an atheist. I was desperately trying to find a meaning. A purpose. A reason to live. I was…desolate. I loved makeup. I was no longer a hopeless romantic; love wasn’t for me. I had no dreams. I had no visions. I was chasing an idea. Only to find myself buried in a pit of things I thought I needed. Who I thought I was. Ultimately, lost. Confused.
Presently, I’m neither content nor despondent. I just kind of exist…nonchalantly. I find pleasure in release and at the bottom of bottles. I’m still searching for who I’m supposed to be. It just might be no one but even with that result, I think I’d be satisfied.
What people don’t tell you about growth and finding oneself is that the main key is detachment. You must learn to unplug yourself from the person you were because that person is attached to the people that it was molded by and they’re not going to be happy.
They won’t like the idea that their creation has changed, evolved and belongs to itself. They resent the lack of power over you but I think that’s how it was meant to be. Control. It’s what w grow up with but you can’t govern people. It’s unnatural.You can’t dictate a life that is not your own because those feelings, those moments won’t be yours to experience. So…what’s the point?
I wish someone would have told me that the road to self-discovery was such a rollercoaster. I would have bought tickets to the amusement park a long time ago.