Before I continue, I’d just like to state that I am the last person you would probably hear this from. Seeing that I used to be a strong believer in the romantics. I used to be that girl that would preach about the wonders of love and how great being in love is. The only problem was that I had never experienced it first hand. My ideas of love stemmed from years and years of romance through the screens. I had this perfect vision of what love, for me, would be like in my head. I would meet the perfect guy. He would sweep me off my feet, fix all my broken pieces . He’d take me to prom, we’d cuddle on cold rainy days and watch movies together.
Life doesn’t work like that. Love isn’t picture perfect like they are on the screens. The guy you fall in love with, won’t always love you back. The guy you fall in love with won’t always want to talk to you. The guy you fall in love with won’t want to have sex with you because he has feelings for you but because he just wanted to have sex with you. The guy you fall in love with will see you as just another girl because he’s had so many before.
You will foolishly think he cares but really, he just wants your booty. You will think that he sees you as one of his close friends, only to realize years down the line that the close friendship you once had never left your middle school years. You grew apart and even though you may think that you saw a spark, it was merely just a piece of your heart that burned away within the fire that you created. Not a burning fire of love and passion, but one of destruction and depression. Sort of an eternal flame of suffering. So essentially, you built yourself your own hell. The fires continue to grow, you begin to die. And like the phoenix you are, you’re reborn from the ashes, not as yourself but a loveless, sexual deviant who only sees life as a chore. Living just because you have to and cursing all those who claim love is freedom. Love is a prison and any fool who sees it as a liberation of all your pain and sorrow, is clearly delusional. Love is for the emotionally inept. Those who are lacking with their emotions and feel the need to connect with another just to feel whole.
I was that girl at some point, I thought love would bring me absolve from all my self-esteem issues. I thought with love, I would be able to love myself more because I had someone there who would reinforce that confidence every chance they got. Maybe I’m just a pessimist who takes things to the extreme. Maybe I’m just upset that I fell in love with the wrong person. Someone who could never say “I love you” to me because that’s not what they believed in.